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Finding the Stillness

by Twitchy on November 22, 2012


It’s taken me a very long time to become conscious of some of my own reactions and needs. Part of this has come about with maturing, awareness and the acquired art of self-reflection. The rest has come about with the sharp learning curve accompanied by the ride that is additional needs parenting. So often, the tree realises more about itself, when its apples fall. Slowly but surely, things become clearer.

I need quiet time to function. Time of nothingness. If I don’t get it, the coil inside me winds and winds until it one day, it unravels in a big ugly way. When I worked, it would be my lunchbreak. When the kids were small, during their naps. Even zoning out at the supermarket at night. Yes, dear husband, it can take 45 minutes to get bread and milk! There’s always a way, and unfortunately these days as it becomes harder to come by, it eats into sleep time. But at the time, late night time alone is far more valuable than sleep. I know I couldn’t nod off anyway; I’d only lie there with my whole day churning about before me in the dark.

I have sensory sensitivity, especially to noise. As the coil winds inside me, all noise becomes harder and harder to separate, filter or block out, creating cacophonic chaos in my head. Concentration becomes impossible and my sensory load becomes overwhelming. My temper becomes extremely short. I did not know this was unusual. Earlier on, those around me must have thought I was just ‘highly strung’, rude or difficult.

What happens with overload, is that my productivity slows, responsibilities pile up and I have to prioritise only those things that must be done until I can find that break. Parenting is harder this way- I don’t have the patience or consistency we all need to work well together. I say yes to things I normally wouldn’t, just for the sake of blessed peace!

Recently my son was sick and home with croup for the better part of a week. The poor thing coughed and coughed and though I felt sorry for him he whined all day and until very late too. From Monday night to Saturday morning we were barely apart except for his sister’s school and after school class runs. All that time, I was never alone. All those nights, I heard his incessant night coughing though he slept through. By the weekend, I had a near collapse. Migraine symptoms threatened.

Tomorrow I am doing something for myself. I’m returning to a (touch up) meditation course. After that I hope to do it more regularly. It’s so important to find some inner calm, be present, lose the irritation. I’ve been off my path for too long now and I’m so very pleased to have a way of finding some of the way back. I’ve been amazed at the difference it can make to decision making and mental clarity. I didn’t notice any change at first, but a little later it was there. I hope to introduce the kids to it as soon as I can.

Have you ever meditated? What do you do to find your way back to your path?

Linking with


This post appears in a slightly edited version, over at Autism In Our Own Words today
I’m participating in #Blogvember with Stella Orbit’s Blog. I’ll blog every day in November for a festival of awesome randomness. Also doing Fat Mum Slim’s PhotoADay November. Come again!

{ 12 comments… read them below or add one }

Veronica @ Mixed Gems November 26, 2012 at 2:01 pm

I relate a lot to this post, especially staying up late for quiet time. The big difference is I can fall asleep easily because I’m always so doggone tired. When my short fuse is lit, I either have to let out a yowl (preferably in a pillow) or punch said pillow. Anger management issue? Hmmmm, not sure but maybe.vI’ve not tried meditation but have thought about deep breath, trying to be mindful…I suppose that’s a form of meditation. I hope you find your remedy, aside from vodka and chocolate. ;-)


Seana Smith November 25, 2012 at 12:17 pm

I can relate to the noise issue… I’m very sociable and don’t mind a bit of noise BUT… my four kids all at once can quickly overwhelm me. I think that’s what worries me most about the coming school holidays, the racket and how to find a few spaces of quiet and peace. I think I will have to leave the house! Swimming and snorkelling are lovely too. But I love, love, love being in my home on my own… I’ll really miss that for the 8 weeks school hols.


Twitchy November 25, 2012 at 3:03 pm

Thanks Seana- I don’t really want to think about those upcoming weeks, to be honest!

Grace November 25, 2012 at 9:06 am

I did a couple of meditation courses earlier this year. I gained so much out of them. I know what you mean though about going off track. That’s what happens when life gets in the way, I guess. Glad to hear that you’re doing something to get that mental clarity back xxx


Kirsty @ My Home Truths November 23, 2012 at 11:08 pm

I completely understand this post. I also stay up way too late just to get enough alone time after a busy day and if I don’t get enough I get wound up and grumpy and become a pretty ordinary mum. I try and go for a 30 minute walk first thing in the morning to centre myself for the day – most of the time it really helps but there are some days where nothing is going to help my ability to cope!


Me November 23, 2012 at 3:00 pm

I used to meditate when I did yoga – I am not very good at doing it by myself because my mind wanders too much !!!
When K was little I found the best thing was some me time – be it in the bath, on the loo, in bed – wherever and, unless the house was burning down, nobody was to disturb me.
Have the best day that you can !


Ai Sakura November 23, 2012 at 9:46 am

So glad you have found a way back to your inner peace. I don’t medicate either but yes, I do enjoy my work lunch times when I can just sit down with a book to read and relax. I found a nice coffee joint yesterday with very friendly barristas. Think I’ll be back there often.

Ai @ Sakura Haruka


Twitchy November 23, 2012 at 11:41 am

I have to ask- is *medicate* an autocorrect or a Freudian slip? Because I definitely ‘medicate’ too- with vodka and chocolate!

Lisa B November 23, 2012 at 9:39 am

Goodness, until you got to the bit where your son was home for a week with croup I thought we were the same person – it was freaky. I just went on a meditation retreat in Byron and I hadn’t felt that good for years – YEARS. I cannot hack noise, silence is my friend. I have 2 boys. Yowzer.

Enjoy the meditation course and look forward to reading about it.


Twitchy November 23, 2012 at 11:35 am

:) wow- we need to talk! A meditation retreat in Byron? As long as they don’t ban coffee, I’d seriously consider that. Also I’m sure ALL the neighbours know who WE are… :/

Michelle November 23, 2012 at 4:59 am

I don’t meditate but I do desperately need time alone and I don’t cope when I don’t get it. I relate to pretty much everything you say in this post and so glad you are finding that right path again. xx


Twitchy November 23, 2012 at 11:38 am

Thank you, Michelle. The main idea is to simply try to be 100% present for at least 10 or so minutes at a time without planning or racing ahead in your mind. It’s a good starting point- when you *can* find a patch of quiet!

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