Two weeks ago I decided to woman up and share what’s been on my mind and upsetting me for a while. The reason I did was because it really is time to unburden myself from my inner load. The only thing I hadn’t done about it was get it out in a post.
I tend to not ‘emo post’; seemingly preferring to internalise everything and hope it resolves itself. I don’t like dumping my sads- it makes me uncomfortable: Will people relate, or be put off if I’m not being witty or humorous this week? RUN! RUN from the despondent woman!! I don’t mind it from others. Most of the time I just deal with things alone. The stunning irony was that the day I did post, my site host had a technofail and my comments function died. HA! Sit and deal with your own stuff (again), because the crickets are chirping!
Last week my kids went back to school. I returned from our first school drop off in weeks, to a Facebook invitation to join my High School Class 25th Reunion group. What?? Didn’t we just have the 20th not that long ago? Besides, I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up. Meanwhile, my children keep doing just that at rapid pace to mock me and I can’t believe it. How rude!
“Don’t be in a hurry”, I tell my small girl child. We snuggled in her bed the night before school. She hugged me and hugged me and told me I was “the best Mum in the Universe”. (Lovely, it’s true- but as she only has one, another day I’ll be the worst as well.) I told her that one day, she wouldn’t like me this close; one day, she’ll prefer to be independent, or be with her friends. (More to prepare me than her, I’ll admit.)
“Aaw Mummy. If I forget- will you please remind me?”
*Sniff.* She’s been so sweet lately. Why does it feel like I’m watching my own future past sometimes? I’m taking snapshots in my mind.
On Saturday, Miss 6 was due to resume dance class but we spent half the lesson trying to convince her to join, before I gave up.
“This is the WORST DAY EVER!” she yelled in the full waiting room. “I have a different teacher and a different class, and I’m not going in until my teacher and my old friends come back!”
A darling toddler saw her distress and offered her a book and a soft toy. She glowered. We left.
Change is hard. It’s hard to let go of the idea that we can’t control everything the way we’d like. Even with brand new tap shoes, and no matter how big we get.
But it’s alright. I have optimism for 2013. I may not have clawed my way fully out of my hidey hole but I’m getting there. I’ve put my hand up for things I’d normally sit back and let smarter people grab with both hands.
I have a new blog host (I could control that), the site is running so much better now. I’ll return to regular posting and do a makeover next. I began a weekly meditation course last week and I did not cause a power failure with my clusterfuck aura. I attended a beautiful little birthday gathering, felt comfortable and happy, met some lovely new people, even dressed up and wore a hat. I’m tackling a few situations that were just too difficult before; (the few I can do something about). I’m slowly being rewarded. It gets better from here. It gets better now.
Linking with Essentially Jess for IBOT.